Don’t report me to the ASPCA (do they deal with shellfish…?), but when you hear the story of the lobster I made into dinner… well let’s just say the squeamish may lose their appetite.

In the mood for seafood (really, when am I not? It is my top 5 All Time Most Favorite Foods), I stopped by the neighborhood Fish Store  and picked out the smallest lobster in the tank – a 1.75 lb-er. This was the 2nd time I’d bought a live lobster. The first time in Chinatown, I had the fish guy chop it up into pieces to better fit the biggest pot I had… which was only a bit larger than a saucepan. So this time… I had a real live squirmy crustacean wrapped in paper and plastic which I am certain, if provoked, would’ve fought it’s way out of there on the way home. It was a miracle we made it to my kitchen sink, where I unleashed the monster and contemplated a “humane” killing. I’d heard somewhere you could offer the lobster a more peaceful entry to Shellfish Heaven by sticking a knife swiftly into the neck, thus quickly sending it off. So I picked up the closest knife I had, a 10 inch-er, and approached the neck area… WHERE THE HECK DO YOU STICK THIS THING? I learned: a 10-inch knife does not SLIDE. And apparently the only place a knife could “slide” was… into the head. So up into the head I jabbed. I jabbed and I jabbed and the damn thing would not die, and… to spare it any more torture, which I am CERTAIN for the poor guy must’ve felt like an insane and excruciating hell, I picked it up with a towel and tossed it into the pot and slapped the lid over it. So now it is in pain from being stabbed in the head AND is slowly being boiled to death. I’m sorry little guy…. I really am.

So why go through all this trouble for a perfectly fine dinner that could be more than expertly and deliciously prepared by Mary’s Fish Camp or Pearl Oyster Bar in the West Village? Or my other favorite, Lure Fishbar? Well you see, Louboutin’s do not pay for themselves. And really.. anymore consumption of butter and mayo will most certainly guarantee my new dresses a spot at the consignment shop. So here goes my healthy version of a guilt-free lobster roll.

Lobster Roll (or sandwich.)

  • lobster
  • 1 stick of celery, diced
  • light mayo (to taste, which in my case is very little. just enough to provide a bit of moisture)
  • 2 slices of wheat bread
  • salt and pepper

Steam the lobster in a shallow pot of salted water. For a 1.75 lb-er it took about 14 minutes. Get all the meat out and in a large bowl, combine with the celery (for crunch), light mayo, salt and pepper. I’ve heard of some people tossing in a little pickle juice sometimes, but I don’t eat pickles so I didn’t have that handy. Toast the bread on both sides (I do this in a sautee pan because I don’t have a toaster). Crimp the toast into the shape of a bun (or use a bun if you want to be fancy) and stuff it with the lobster meat.

This shouldn’t have taken you as long as it took me to type out that lobster story.